Sickiest Dirty Joke Ever

Sickiest Dirty Joke Ever

Jim has a hard on that he just can not get to go down. He tries masturbating, no good. He tries masturbating while watching porn, no good. He even tried using a warm apple pie, nothing. So he comes to the conclusion he needs help. He only has $5 but decides to go to the local whore house anyway. He knocks on the door and a someone slides open a little window on the door and ask, “can i help you?”. Jim says, “I only have $5 but I have a hard on that just will not go away. I have tried everything. Can you please help me?” The little window shuts and a few minutes later the door opens and a man says, “Give me your $5 and go down the hall to the last door on the left.” Jim thanks the man and hurries down the hallway. When he opens...

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Divorcing Sheldon

Divorcing Sheldon

A woman says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.” Mother says “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45...

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Wedding Night

Wedding Night

The highly pious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him speadeagled naked on their bed.“My dear!” he exclaimed, “I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!” “OK,” she said, obediently changing positions, “but I always get the goddamned hiccoughs when I fuck in that position.”...

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All Dressed Up

All Dressed Up

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.” “Certainly, honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the pharmacist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,...

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Mafia

Mafia

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of 10,000,000 Euros. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing 10 million Euros, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido:”Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather:”He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a...

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Chinese Torture #3

Chinese Torture #3

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?” “Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.” “Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during...

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